The Semi-Crazy World Of...Me!

2003-02-07T06:15:00.000-05:00

6:12 am and still no signs of sleep. i hate guys.

2003-02-07T00:31:00.000-05:00

people are fucking stupid. as i have stated before "jelously seriously is the root of all fucking evil..." . it is so true. im fucking torn , and yeah it fuckin sucks. fuck this shit. i give up......

2003-01-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

so ive desided that im officaly a fuckin dumbass. why even question something makes you happy? why challenge the situation? i guess its only human nature. ya know nature really sucks sometimes. take today for instance , its snowing , don't get me wrong i love snow its just im sick of winter. its way to cold. everyone is right iam meant to be in cali or some sort of tropical place, even though i sunburn extreamly easy. me and steve got into an argument yesterday. it was more of me being my old insecure self more than anything. although i think i had a right ot be somewhat offended. iam his best friend for christ's sake. if he feels he can't tell me shit then why even keep me around? it just dug up lots of questions in my mind. i hate how when i confront something peopel always take the defensive rather than just listen to what i have to say then give me their opinion on things and we , get this, have a normal conversation! sometimes i feel liek im obligated to always be there , and i hate that. not be there in the sense be there for my friends , im always there for them when they need me but i mean in person i always have to be there or im n ot considered a true friend. am i suspose to neglect everyone else just so that 1 person doesn't have to be bored? susposedly im a "friend stealer" . i don't get that , all i do is show an intrest in being friends and it happens , i don't steal friends away. its not my fault i go outta my way to call people and ask them if they wanna hang out. i mean don't get the wrong impression i seriously feel bad about the whole situation. i mean if i lived kinda far away had no car and only 2 of my friends consistantly came up to visit me , and everyone else kinda half assedly blew me off id be a lil resentful aswell. but in the same situation there are plenty of opprotunites to come down here . but i don't even know why im talking about this . it shouldn't matter to me cuz all i care about is working. when the fact of the matter is , i made a comitment , i promised id help , and i feel an obligation to do so. also i was told the situation and i don't want to leave them high to dry. i mean if its really that much of an issue he can explain why im not working. because he feels like thats all that matters to me so to prove to him its not , i wouldn't , if it really ment that much to him. what really needs to happen is a conversation between us. but im not gonna push it , when he's ready he'll call.... although i wanna know how everything wne today with the sasarien, and if liz and the new baby are well. sigh ill probaly give hima call in a lil while

2003-01-28T14:55:00.000-05:00

"So yea, life is good, i wish i had a girl I could hold on to though, someone i can talk to about my life etc. I just feel like i cant connect with anyone, even my friends"
very nice shit to say. but hey those things are ment for venting. just makes me feel liek i don't matter. im always up for listeing , they know that. i care but alot of the times i feel liek they could give 2 shits less about me. sometimes i wish we had no past togeather. i think things would be alot different. alot more healthy and alot less dramatic. i know where my heart is , it just is constantly changing and its hard for me to keep up. last night i figured out alot. people aren't as different as they may claim to have become. and others are just improving. im not going to publish the inner workings of my mind. it is something only i have to know. along with 2 other people. jelously seriously is the root of all evil. so if you can have no jelously , it is something you must treasure.

2003-01-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

so maybe i still have some atributes about myself that still need work on. but i find myself dwelling on shit that shouldn't even bother me. like am i on the "alert me when this person signs on list" its just those god damned insecurities that has plagued my life forever. and im sick of them. i don't wanna be always wondering if he's talking to her in the way that he talks to me , am i the only one. unfortunately i think i have realized i would never be able to fully trust him in a relationship , and i doubt he would be able to with me either. to much shady shit went down , and even now i find myself wondering if im being lied to/not given information about other relationships . not that i fewel liek is houdl know *everything* but atleast some insight in where they and their "far away people" stand. i know i sound liek a psycho whose obsessed or something. but thats not it , im just paranoid with no right to be paranoid. fuck human nature up the ass , boo instinct cuz all it does is give me doubt.and fuck love cuz all it is , is god's attempt to make a good soap oprea for him and the angels to be entertained by.

2003-01-16T13:57:00.000-05:00

have you ever had a really good and bad day? well let me run it by you......i got my diploma yes iam now officaly a high school graduate. and mikes dog got put down. so in one way im extreamly happy but in the other im very sad and extreamly sympatheic cuz it brought back memories of when we had to put down lundy (my old old golden reteiver from back in the day). my mind was very conflicted with how i should feel. and it made me second think a bunch of stuff. so now im back to step 1. but as i so ceverly stated last night at ian's "12 step programs are useless you take 2 steps then just get tired and sit down". im just not sure about alot of things , which is natural i mean i don't think anyone is sure of everything. it isn't in our nature. we must always question and consider any other routes before we deside on which is for ourselfs and sometimes we can't even deside. when i came home last night i sought out both of my cats and gave them each a huge hug and kiss on the head. you don't always remember that their not gonna be around all the time, or for that much longer. my oldest cat is 12 granted ive met cats that are 20 yrs old but in the same sense none of them were of the stature that bart is. big fat and arthritic , heh. he is my cat/dog. one of the funny things when you get a kitten and you have a dog , the dog pretty trains them so they act like a dog alot. i mean ofcorse he has his "kittie" moments but for the most part he acts like a dog. i don't feel liek writing anymore so i m gonna go......

2003-01-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

so yeah i liek *never* write in here anymore , i don't blame myself its sometimes a task to remember that this thing even exsists also me forgetting my password doesn't help. shits happened , some dick crashed into the front right side of my car so ive been without a car for about 1 1/2 weeks and will be without one for atleast another 3. my mom has been as she always is awsome and basicly lets me take her car when i need or want it. she is great i love her. mike is pretty much a lost cause at the moment , im extreamly frustrated and dissapointed in that situation. but shit is gona get delt with soon. i was suspose to chill with jeremy today but stuff happened and i just really need my best friend (no offense goat but hey we haven't exactly been friends lately). so its off to orange i go. heh. its funny how shit works out. you never woulda thought it would work , but it does. people have matured and grown. things are def alot less dramatised. fighting is def a thing of the past. we've moved on , wiped the slate clean so now were writing a whole new story. and let me tell you. it has everything *except the drama* even though there still is some from time to time but its not *anything* like it was before. shit gets talked out when it happens and thats always a good thing. cuz when you let shit get dragged out it always gets worse. but i have shit i gotta do , i actualy wanna keep writingbut i guess it is something ill just have to finish later.

2002-10-03T01:32:00.000-04:00

ahh so lots of shit has happened. i got a car! w00t!! its a geo pirsim or something. it was my grandparents and it was given to me so i can't complain , it was free :) . me and mike are just friends , which is good. i need a break from relationship/romance type stuff . its too stressful. guys are icky and evil and liars anyways. sunday was uhm a rollar coaster of emotion, is the best way i can put it. me mike had our talk, i shed some tears infront of him which i tried very hard not to do. i was able to make it home and then in the privacy of my own room , cry and curse and bitch to myself about how mean guys can be and how unemotional they can be in times when you'd liek to see them atleast show some bit of compassion. so i talked to jeremy and we had that whole gemini second half weird telepathic thing goin on and asked each other if we wanted to chill. we took the inconpicuois mini-van and caused mistif which was much needed on my part. it was hilarious. me driving 5mph while jeremy opens the side door and grabs as many orange cones as possible while i drive by. we each have one as a memento. duct taped people mail boxes shut. tried stealing some street signs but quickly realize that stamford has gotten smart , can you beleive it?! now that have no bolts in the streets signs, those smart bastards ruined our fun. i learned that me and diner mints do not go well togeather. 1st off i didn't know it was chewy , 2ndly i didn't know it had a jellybean type center. choking on diner mints for 5 minutes in bulls head parking lot. i couldn't help but laugh at myself. as jeremy said "its such a lauren thing to do..". i haven't talked to miek since sunday , but im gonna have to at some point soon cuz im starting to run low on gas, haha. anyways i got school tomarrow , im suspose to chill with a bunch of people so ill be running around crazy liek a chicken thats got its head cut off what a beautiful picture but it shoudl be a good day. peace out bishes

2002-09-29T02:30:00.000-04:00
ok so i fergot how crazy and awsome my family can be. i got invited to go the city and go shopping and eat and go to a show , by my first cusin once removed(greg) and his partner(mitch). shouyld be a good time. i found out my other cusin once removed(jenean) and her partner(jill) are the 2 main art producers for the anna nicole show on E (!). jill was the one who came up with the lryics for the opening song. jenean came up with the cartoon anna. and they do a bunch of ther stuff too but those are the main main things that they do. i showed them some of my art and they seem *really* impressed so that boosted my drawing ego a bit. heh. ugh im looking at the picture on my drivers lisence , my mom is so right. it does look like a mug shot, haha! i miss mike, ive only seen him once this week really. well i saw him on friday twice but it was only for about 5 mins each time cuz i was getting gas for my mom and my granparents cars. i have a lazy family who makes me go and fill up their gas tanks , although i didn't mind , gave me an excuse to go and harass him "pump my gas , gas boy!" HAHAHA!! i think he should chill with me tomarrow. although i think he's gonna spend the majority of the day helping jon move *again* heh. anyways im really tired. haven't gotten alot of sleep the past couple of days and tomarrow is first day that i can sleep in. and i plan on doing that.anyways. im gonna go nah night now. bi bi

2002-09-26T02:58:00.000-04:00
okie so ive been neglecting my blogger for a couple of weeks. nothing all that interesting has happened. hung out with chris tonight. good times. iev become a vegitarien(i still can't spell though , heh). i have school tomarrow ..... fun. im really tired though so im gonna go to sleep.

2002-09-08T01:44:00.000-04:00
i fergot to mention this: just because my away msg says somehting vulgar or is bitching about someone , doens't mean its about YOU. if it was, youd know way before the msg actualy is posted up. peopel are fucking smart. its called logic, now get aquianted with it and fucking use it!!

2002-09-08T01:35:00.000-04:00
ahh so what has happened these past couple of days.....well i took all my ged practice and placement tests , and i start classes on monday , can't say im that excited , although it means im 1 step closer to getting my ged and gettin the fuck outta here. nothing al that exciting has happened. uhm i have a cold , which sucks ass. im feeling better than i did before though so thats good. my cable modem in my room is working so i don't have to use the shitty ass commputer downstairs , yay. i got into a lil bit of an argument with brian , but im gonna talk to him soon , i just needed time to calm down. i hope he isn't gonna be meanto me cuz that would be sucky. i went to jasons tonight and did a whole lotta nothing liek always. chilled with jason jen steve and daniele. got a ride home form steve , which sucked ass. i don't think i coulda felt more outta place. ofcorse they talked the whole ride , and was i included? ofcorse not cuz well why would i be? i wanted to chill with steve yesterday but shit got fucked up so we didn't chill. i wanted to chill with him today but , he had better things to do. can't say i blame him , why would he want to chill with me anyways...its not liek he really thinks of me as a friend even if he does its not liek he considers me his best friend anymore. i don't even know why it bothers me , but it does. i hate my brain. it thinks to much. i did page him , he iddn't call me back (big surprise). if someone said you could go back in time in your life and change something , what would you change? how? why? i don't know who i cosider a friend at the moment. to many people blow me off . and take me for granted. i think im just gonna stop calling people and see what happens. ofcorse i know ill just end up getting *really* bored and calling someone but o well. fuck it. this whole love thing has gotten me quite confused. i thought i knew , but then something happened and now everything is turned upsidown and im just one big mass of over flowing confusion. fun isn't it?! ha. >>>sigh<<< i wonder.... actualy no i don't , i know. i know that in some peoples minds i will always just be a lay, not a friend, not a lover , not a companion, just a fucking lay. and that is so lame and so fucking weak. makes me pissed off and not even want to speak to the people. what the fuck ever happened to just being friends with a person. everyone that wants to chill with you chills in the hopes that 1 time you'll wanna fuck them. its fucking pathetic. no im not gonna have sex with any of you people. i wanta friend. just a fucking friend. and i think its lame that the only time a person starts talking to you is when sex is a slight , very fucking slight , pretty much *not* gonna happen thing. ugh men have fucking issues that they need to str8en out. don't say you wanna jump my bones and then go chill with someone that * i know* your gonna be fucking around with, and then expect me to drop my fucking pants when asked to. hell no. im not subjecting myself to that bullshit. which ive already made known. and have stated. anyways, mike is the light in my life , and plays an important role in the happiness of what is lauren. he is honest which more than i can for alot of people i know. he is true. and does not say which he does not mean. and very upfront and blunt. plays no games, atleast on purpose and when brought to his attentin he corrects himself and usuealy applogizes. but im still confused. theres still that person that someone which i don't think i will ever get over. and whenever i think im over they pop back up and everything just resurfes again. but my brain needs a break from this shit so im gonna go and play neverwinter nights. o btw i love it when people don't stop and talk to you after you say something which is important to be addressed. peace

2002-09-03T22:06:00.000-04:00
fuzz wuzzy was a bear fuzzy wuzzy had no hair so fuzzy wuzzy really wasn't fuzzy was he? IM BORED!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH , that is all...

2002-09-03T03:01:00.000-04:00
so i got my chulettas :) they were bangin. chilled with jeremy brian and a shitload of other people friday night. good times. even though some people are asses when their drunk >>ahem<<. saturday seemed leik anormal day of just chillin til i cam ehome and got a call around 2 30 am with mike telling me im being kidnapped and taken to danbury for the night. good times. jons doggy is liek 90% percent wolf , beautiful animal, kinda scary though. me and mike made the trian back to stamford by liek 1 minute , thank go dhe called to find out when trains were coming. after making 3 transfers we finaly got to his house , and he took me home. his car is falling apart , hehehe , thank god i desided not to buy it from him, i woulda been fucked. even though iam fucked!! right?! were all fucked!! hahahaha. anyways so i had to rush my shower and getting dressed for the party so basicly i just threw on comfy clothes and said fuck it. but apparently i still looked pretyt good :) . yay. it was a good party. can't say i had a great time, but that wasn't cuz the party itself sucked. i didn't get home til 7am and didn't go to sleep til about 8. i didn't even make it to my bed, my legs kinda just said fuck you and i fell on my floor and desided it took to much effort to get up and into my bed. my floor is comfy anyways. so idnd't wake up til 5. and i just sat at home all day and watched tv. anywyas i should be goginto sleep now. i need to try and wake up at a kinda decent hour. peace

2002-08-30T04:22:00.000-04:00
so mike didn't call me until oh about 2 AM!!! so much for renting movies and veggin out all day. guys are evil (not mike although he was for a short period of time) , people lie cuz they think they'll get ass inreturn. psht fuckers. so i had a stressful and emotional day for basicly no reason . mike is a good boy :) . i think someone is tryin to steal adams car cuz well this is what his away msg says : to the fucker tryin to steal my car: you better hope and pray i dont catch you, cuz when i do, your dead.
i hope his car is fine and he finds the dude , but doesn't kill him cuz then he'd go away and that'd suck alot. its a pweety car *yummy* . damn i have the strongest craving for puruvian food right now some chuletas with salad and rice and that bangin spicy sauce, mmmmmm. >>>drools over self<<< and maybe some flam if it looks good. ok tomarrow (later today) iam going to feista cove and gettin me some bangin food. brian is coming back for the weekend tomarrow, should have good times. jeremy is "forcing" himself apon me tomarrow , i must take him under my wing cuz sara is going to her dads for the weekend. needless to say jeremy is gonan sulk and complain about how much he misses her. : / i want someone to miss me. ofcorse id have to go away for them to actualy miss me. anyways tomarrow shoud be good times. i can't beleive guns and roses played the vma's >>>shocked<<< ofcorse slash wasn't theer so technicly it was not g n r , axel rose connot sing for shit anymore. and what was up with his outfit , he was tryin to be all thugged out with braids and everything , it was kinda scary. anyways im gonna go and sleep now . na night :)

2002-08-29T12:58:00.000-04:00
i think my blogger is broken : / boooooooooooo , o well , ill figure out whats wrong with it

2002-08-29T02:15:00.000-04:00
So yeah i started a new blog. since i hadn't writen in my old one since may, i desided it was pointless to start and have to fill in the blanks so i made a new one. isn't it just so spiffy? ok so i was bored and had nothing better to do....anyways.
The name be Lauren, and i think im spiffy and so do my friends. yay. so yeah i know this certain person is gonna see this and i really don't car ebut i must state *you are a horrible person for leaving a KITTEN in a fucking park, you fucking animal abuser , you could be arrested* makes me sick. im really dissapointed. o well. so i finaly have a working computer in my room but my cable modem is all fucked , really aren't to sure whats wrong with it, think its the wire so im gonna get a new one and see if that makes it better. me and jeremy completly hooked it up , its ghetto pimpin, cuz well its def ghetto, the power supply really doesn't fit (im gettin a new case) so we got really long screws and kinda proped it in there hence the whole upsidown thing. my motherboard is pretty athon 1900 + xp ooooooo makes me cream. ha. i need to get my lisence this whole having no car thing is really starting to get to me. i coulda seen mike if i had it tonight :( sniffle sniffle. soon soon , and ill be whippin the geo ut oh betta look out! hahaha. this whole friends out of the blue telling you to go fuck yourself pisses me off. i think people shoudl atleast give you warning or like a sign of somesort. but no just a complete smack to the face. they hate your guts but still have no problem telling you how they wanna have sex with you. gargh pisses me off. im thinking of getting a breast reduction, they keep gettin in the way. i actualy got stuck in brians car because of them, was quite painful and hilarious at the same time. they need to stop growing and i need to loose weight!! ive gained atleast 15 pounds in the past month , horrible, depressing , shoudl be impossible. i started working out though , so hopefully the pounds will go away . i wanna get back to being 120 115, when im pretty damn skinny , thats how i like it. i think im gonna try to get a nice little six pack, but im not to sure if id look good with it. if you know me give me your opinion. i need to find someone to workout with and go walking with. i would run but my lungs can't handle that , id die. *~fuzzy monkeys with broom sticks for limbs and thimbells for hats~* i found a nice website with yummy live music you should go to it. espeicaly if tagz is spinnin <3333. suspose to vegg out with mike tomarrow, and looking forward to it very much. i only see him 3 times a week if even that so needless to say im excited. i was just starting to go threw major withdrawl of mike. i need those arms around me and those lips on my..cheek? hehe j/k nah i just miss him. busy week = busy weekend = Lauren needs this party to release!!!!! yeup , im puttin on my party hat for a night. i think ill be set on partys for awhile after sunday. i dunno. not really into the whole goin to partys thing anymore. its fun but (a expensive (b filled with really drugged up people which is not something i really enjoying being around anymore (c partys aren't the same when you don't have your reg party companoin w/ you and even worse when they will be there and are gonna be in the same car as you , but aren't talking to you cuz they hate you which is UNFAIR!! (d im just maturing and starting to realize if i wanna do somethin with myself i need to do right , and stop fuckin around. so after this party , iam going into partieing retirement im hangin my party hat up for the last time... heh. anyways. ill be goign now. peace